The Saddest Thing that Happened to Me

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During the days when I was an office girl, one of my workmates said that I am very lucky as I have got a great life with no burdens, troubles and worries at all. I grinned upon hearing it while secretly telling myself, OMG kong kabalo ka lng sang gna go through kg gn go through ko basi mahambal ka, I wish I was not Jo Ann. LOL. I don’t know but I appear so happy, okay and calm even if I am going through a lot of troubles every day of my life and even if I encounter a lot of assholes along my way. Honestly, I am really having a hard time dealing things on my own, I am not really vocal when it comes to my trouble, it’s not that I am shy to admit it, or that I am so secretive, it’s just that I don’t want to be a burden to other people, especially those people that I care about. I only share my burdens if I can’t take it anymore, and if it’s crushing me deep within, other than that I prefer to just keep quiet and let everything remain in place.

I have worked with great and legendary people way back 2005 but it took them three years to discover who really I am as a person. I did not choose to keep my life story in private, it’s just that when my father died way back 1997, I had to appear strong and courageous in front of my family especially to my little siblings. My mom got trauma with what she has gone through in the hands of hold-uppers who took our money and the life of my father. All my siblings were arrested, and tortured at their young age. My other sibling got shocked and hasn’t spoken for a couple of months, and it was killing me deep inside. I was only 11 years old and I got no choice but to deal things on my own as I can’t rely with the people around me. At a very young age I learn how to process some documents for my Tatay’s burial and all. Poor me! Poor little Jo Ann! The saddest thing was, after the traumatic and cursing incident my mother gone through severe bleeding that has slowly weaken her. It took my mom more than a couple of years to get back to a normal condition. Not only that, my older sister also got shocked and had kept so much grudges in her heart as our father died in her hands. It was so terrible! Before our father stopped breathing he tried his best to say something but he just can’t as the blood keep flowing out from his mouth and nose.

My father obtained 6 multiple gun shots and 18 cuts of knives all over his body. His chin got damaged as one of the hold-upper smashed it using a big stone, his hands got several cuts as he battled with three other hold-uppers, and the worst thing was, his rib, heart and liver got wounded and screwed up which causes his life to end. My father was a great leader, a very humble, kind and considerate kind of man. He was a chairman of a Cooperative and had served the people without taking advantage of his position. As much as he could he helped people without demanding anything in return. How could those f*kng killers afford to took his life when all he did was to help and to show care for other people? Where is justice? Until now those hold-uppers who ruined and destroyed our lives haven’t imprisoned yet. But I know God is there, the vengeance is within his hand, I do believe on that. (to be continued, I can’t stop my precious tears that fall down from my pretty eyes while writing this)….

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Live your Life, Take Risk

ImageIn my more than 28 year of existence, I realized that life is nonsense if you are not taking risks. It is not an accident that you were here on earth, that you were created, that you were given mind, body, heart and soul. It is not an accident that you were created with multiple talents and even hidden talents that are still waiting to be unveiled. Indeed you were destined to do something, to build something, and to make a difference and to be something! Something of great value not just in the eyes of man but more importantly in the eyes of our creator.

No venture, no gain! Indeed! We will only realize our potential if we are going to take risk. We will only discover what and who we really are under the skin if we are going to take risk. However there are people who prefer to play safe rather than take risk. Most of these people belong to the group of mediocrity. They are content with what is there, they do not realize that there is more for them, that the creator has prepared too many great things for them.

As stated, ask and it will be given, seek and you will find. On the other hand it is also stated that the creator already know what we need. This is true but it only pertains to our basic needs. For example as a father, you already know that your son needs to be enrolled at school and you provide the money to make things easier for him. However, if your son wants to buy a north face bag or a pair or Nike shoes and he won’t tell it to you, will you know it? So why not ask the creator to bless all the great things that He prepared for you? Whilst asking of course you also need to work for it. Prayer without actions won’t work at all.

Why people won’t take risk? What is stopping them?

 

* Fear of rejection

* Need for approval

* Need to avoid guilt

* Need to always be right

* Need to know all the “ins’ and out’s” of a situation

* Need for certainty

* Lack of belief in yourself and others

* Fear of being incompetent

* Desire to avoid conflict

* Unresolved anger

* Poor role modeling in family of origin

* Fear of failure

* Unwillingness to face problems honestly

* Lack of assertiveness in protection of your own rights

* Inability to take the responsibility for your own life

* Unwillingness to accept possible negative consequences

* Preferring to be unhappy, mired in your problem

* Playing it safe

* A need for security

* Fear of hurting others

* Rationalizing the lack of need for direct action

* Denial that a problem exists and that action needs to be taken

* Projecting the need for action onto others

* Intellectualizing about a problem to avoid action

* Exempting yourself of responsibility to resolve a problem

* Relying on others to resolve your problems

* Alcohol or drug abuse “clouding” thinking

* Over-emotional response to a problem

* Humoring yourself and others to ignore the problem

* Over concern for everybody but yourself

* Fear of pain (“no pain, no gain”)

* Absence of desire to change

* Irrational belief that it is impossible to change the situation

* A disregard for the rights of yourself and others

* Confusion about your role in handling the problem

* Lack of ownership of the problem

* Over-sentimentality for the needs of others

* Enjoying the sympathy you receive from others for the problem you face

* Inability to let go of an old belief in a person or institution

* A belief that life should always be fair

Let us not allow fear to stop us from reaching our dreams in life. Of all God’s creations, we are the most beautiful, wonderful and perfect piece He did. We were given wisdom, knowledge and understanding so we can pursue and fulfill our purpose in life. As much as possible and as long as we can, let’s do our part as a human, and let’s be a blessing to others.

 

A Letter To My Late Tatay

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Dear Tatay,

I hope you are happy wherever you are right now. I know you are sad as you witness what my siblings and I are going through at the moment. I know if you were only alive you would never allow yourself to see us to suffering. Even on your last breath you did your best to protect us and I thank you for that. You know Tay, I always feel so bad and sad every time I remember the last word you tried saying while handful of blood is flowing out of your mouth and nose. I really find it hard to let go of your death. I am still struggling until now. I am still having that pain deep inside my heart. Up to now I am still longing for your presence, guidance, advices, and care. Wla adlaw nga nd taka madumduman, for about 15 years, constant lang dyapon ang na feel ko adlaw adlaw sa pg kadula mo but baton ko naman ang truth it’s just that I always learn the hard way, that I always have to lead… It’s very tiring. I wish I could sleep for a year nga pg bugtaw ko wla nko paminsaron kongdi mga good memories nalng…

I’ll soon celebrate my birthday nga wla ka. I’ll soon spend my vacation without you. I know you don’t want to see me crying or hurting but I just want you to know that I am fine, that I can handle everything that comes my way, that I will continue to be a blessing to my siblings, to my friends and to other people who needed me. I always remember everything you taught me, and that includes, being humble, respectful, sweet, kind and sensitive about others needs and feelings.

Tatay ko, you will always be my best friend, and you will always be the best Man in my life. I won’t settle till I find someone like you. PS kabudlay mangita prehas sa imo. And frankly speaking dutay nalng guys nga my prehas cmo qualities. (LOL) Kong my ara man may mga tag iya na. I just miss talking to you tay. I know how much you miss us, I know how much you miss saying happy birthday to me. I love you Tay, so much!

Missing you,
babyjho